There is something that I need to share, and I keep trying to make it ‘readable’ and interesting and worthwhile for anyone who might read it.  I know – because I’ve been learning this the hard way the last few years- that when I ‘have’ to write – I just plain need to write.  And to share what I write.  And, apparently, by the minuscule yet loyal group of people who ‘read me’ – my words are important and pertinent and should be laid out ‘there’.

The reader I am ignoring is myself.

So the what that I write today is for me.  If you glean something out of it, I’m truly happy, but this time, it is me that needs to react.

I’ve gotta step inside this house of mine – this me – and figure out what is going on in my head.  To do that, I have to stop tethering my head and let it go free.  I need to roll out of the normal and into the muck.

I need to mend my fences.  I don’t need new fences, I need to mend the ones I’ve ridden all these years.  My tightropes.  My barbs.  My piece of the Father’s eye.  And I suspect that I need to add a few gates instead of looking for the holes in the mesh through which I might escape.  Actively taking part in reworking my environment, my body, my soul.

Do you ever drive a route so often that you don’t remember getting from point A to point B?  Remote control?  In those moments, have you ever looked back on what was going through your head?  Or walked yourself through the options that actually got you there?

I do.

Often.

Of late, (no, I don’t know the definition of that amount of time, but that’s another issue), I do that with life.  When I was taking asthma medicine, I could NEVER remember if I had taken it for that morning/evening or not.  I would try to walk through the days events and ‘remember’.  But the days events were often either a blur or consistent enough with the other days events, that I wasn’t able to discern accurately enough to decide yes, or no.  Now that seems to be happening in many portions of my life.  Work.  Food.  Church.

Repeat.

But it isn’t routine that I lament.  I’m suggesting that it is time that I take control of my routine – and explore what I want to do with my time – by being present within that time.  With my husband.  With my property.  With my pets.  With the world.

Oh, yeah.

And with myself.

The only way I know to get through to me is by making myself uncomfortable – and vulnerable.  I. Really. Dislike. Both.  A lot.

So, Diane.  You’re going old-school.

You may use your phone to text and to call.

For now, you may use messenger to check in on the people you love.

You may play Pokemon with your husband, on that phone, as well.  It is a gift of friendship, brings both of you joy, starts conversations, gives playfulness a chance.

You will write.  With paper and pen.

You will read.  Books.

You will move.  Daily.

You will make the supplies for the art projects you have been dreaming about — available and convenient.  Just as you used to have a book in every cranny – now you shall have projects.  (No, not at work.)

And you will embrace silence.

Whatever it is, Diane, will surface.  Slower than you wish, probably.  And more cliche than you’ll want to admit.  But your truths will rise and your health will grow and your muchness will take on the dimensions that your muchness was actually meant to be – instead of your skewed self and world view of you.

Give you a chance to rise.

02 Oct This entry was published on October 2, 2018 at 3:27 pm and is filed under Learning. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.