What do I model for you? What do I show you my life is all about?
Is it fear? Anger? Is it a feeling of no control? Do I speak shame, envy, jealousy and judgement into your daily lives? Is it a sense of uselessness, or of time and energy not well spent?
Do I let you think that I am wasting my life on you?
Do I teach you worthless self feelings and helplessness? Hopelessness? Do you see me as fat? As useless or lacking in intelligence?
Do you believe, by the way that I lead my life, that I don’t have passion? That I don’t encourage passion? That I don’t see it anywhere?
Or do you interpret me with the eyes that you use on yourself? Do you see my sacrifices, my ability to compromise, my preference of keeping my deep thoughts to myself except with closely trusted friends: are those negatives in your eyes?
When I stand up to someone for something I believe is correct — do you see that as a rude, un-likeable quality? Is my ability to talk straight with someone lowering me in your esteem? Is it not an acceptable way to approach life?
My qualities are uniquely my own. And I have always stood firmly and frankly, very comfortably within who I am. Always. I have been who I am, unapologetically, for 50+ years. I could list my qualities, both good and bad, with pretty solid accuracy — but that actually isn’t the point. I’m not debating who I am even at this juncture.
Somehow – under my own watch — I have lost track of how I deal with life.
Instead, I’m thinking about it.
Thinking. About how to respond to a student. How to assist my daughter. How to make friends. How to keep a job. How to talk to my husband. How to potty train a puppy.
Every. Stinking. Little. Action. I. Think. Through.
What in the hell is that all about?
It’s about reflection.
Usually, what I see is what I gave. I give a positive attitude, a different point of view, a gentle but direct nudge to do better (when you know what better actually is). I live life directly and without facade.
And I see that reflected in the changes that my students make in their hearts and attitudes. In their growth. In their accomplishments. In their ability to take on the world and overcome whatever is holding them back and fly right up to the pinnacle that they set for themselves.
Family and friends, too. They laugh, they grow, they encourage and then repeat.
As of late, though. As of late. Not. Joy is covered up with fear. Steps forward are hurky jerky at best, and often non-existent. Days are filled with sighs and tasks and chores – not fresh air, opportunities and growth.
So, if it’s about reflections, and I genuinely think it is – then I’m letting us all down lately. If what I see is what I gave…..then I’m getting what I must give. Trepidation, angst, tired sighs, apathy and barely ‘filtered’ distrust. The negative layering is heavy on my heart right now, and each time I take a deep walk into my true thoughts – the routine of my life follows so closely on the heals of the revelation — that I’ve lost the depth and quality and worth before I even reach home.
Show me that I present qualities worth reflecting. Dig out of the trenches you are picturing in your life. Stop trying – and achieve. Ditch worry and dread. Think warm, not frigid. Eat chocolate dipped in coffee. Laugh heartily. Read something. Cook good food. Watch a bird build a nest. Let your shoes get scuffed. Color. Sing. Pet a pet. Reflect.
Be a hero.
Show me I’m not sinking. Would you?
wanderingoutinleftfield 